Coaching for College

Building a Relationship with Your Student

Q:    My student does not open up with me when we are together. What can I do to engage him/her?

A:     Ask questions that do not require a yes or no answer. Be open. If you are willing to talk about yourself and some of your experiences, the more likely your student will be willing to share. Be patient. Building any type of relationship takes time and energy.

Q:    How can I break the ice with my student?

A:    Share a special object. Bring in a special object and discuss its importance with your student. You can then ask your student to do the same.

Q:    I am constantly trying to think of new and innovative activities for my student and me. Help - I’m running out of ideas!

A:    Plan an outing. Plan an outing with the sole purpose of brainstorming and discussion around activities - likes, dislikes, etc. Ask your student for help. S/he may be waiting for an invitation. Share responsibility. Encourage your student to take responsibility in planning some activities.

Q:    How do I handle the situation when I am not able to follow through on plans with my student?

A:    Give notice. Try to give as much advance notice as possible if you need to cancel plans. Be honest. Be honest with your student: apologize and let him/her know that sometimes things happen that are out of your control. Reschedule. Be sure you follow through with your student and reschedule as soon as you can.

Q:    My student rarely gives me more than a one-word answer. How can I get him/her to come out of his/her shell and develop a livelier relationship?

A:    Ask specific questions. Determine his/her interests by asking specific questions, and  then design activities based on what s/he likes. Tell him/her about yourself. By opening up yourself to your student, you set the example. Design lively activities/suggest interactive activities. Remember that it takes time to build a mentoring relationship.

Helping your Student Handle Conflicts with Parents/Friends

Q:    Your student has gotten into trouble and doesn’t want to face his/her parents.  You should:

A:    Suggest that he go home to face his parents. Even though this may not be the easiest thing to say to him, suggesting your student face his parents is the best choice! By expressing your concern for him and the situation, and by clearly discussing the importance of talking to his parents about the suspension, you have given your student the expectation to face his responsibilities. Tell him that you want to hear all the details but that this is a situation that can only be resolved at home. Offer to call or see him at a specified time to see how things are going.

Q:    I think my student may be having problems at home. How do I deal with this?

A:    Ask questions. If you have a suspicion, ask questions but do not pressure your student to reveal something s/he does not want to. Try to reconcile. If the problem is minor, advise your student on how to reconcile with his/her family. Contact the program coordinator. If you feel the issue is serious contact the program coordinator. 

Q:    My student had a verbal argument with his/her parents and has asked me to intervene. How should I handle this?

A:    Do not intervene. Don’t promise that you will intervene, but do promise that you will listen to your student. Get the facts. Ask questions so that you will have a full account (from your student’s perspective) of the incident. Get help if needed. If you are concerned about the welfare of your student, contact the mentor program coordinator.

Helping Your Student Set and Achieve Goals

Q:    Your student just got a great report card, and now you want to recognize that progress. You are trying to decide which type of positive reinforcement is best.

A:    Remember that she may rarely experience formal recognition of something that she has done, so make a point to let her know that she has impressed you. And remember to offer acknowledgement in proportion to the accomplishment. For example, to celebrate your student's improved reading, try reading a book with them and then donate it to the library in their name. Many times, the best reward is just saying "good job" or writing a nice note. The crucial next step is to build on this positive energy. Parlay your student's pride in their achievements into new goals and challenges. Use her accomplishment as a centerpiece of conversation. Let her bask for a while in what she has done, and then suggest new activities to help her channel her feeling of accomplishment into more rewards. For example, if she has just gotten into college or landed a job, you may want to help her work toward other goals, such as achieving a certain grade point average or working toward a promotion.

 Q:   On a few occasions you have asked your student if she had any specific goals. Each time she has replied, "Not really."             Because she has not expressed any interests or mentioned anything that she wants to do, you have been planning the activities and jump-starting the conversations. Next time you see her, you ask one more time about her interests and goals. "Nothing really comes to mind," she says. So you:

A:    Continue to ask her specific questions that may give you insight into what she really likes, and then make suggestions for goal-oriented activities. Do not get discouraged or frustrated by your student's lack of response. Continue to keep the relationship focused on her by asking specific questions to unearth her interests. Eventually, if you keep posing questions, you will find an interest. Try to use the word "interest" instead of words like "goal", which can be intimidating. The crucial next step is designing activities around those interests. Try to find out what she is good at, and build her self-esteem by focusing on the positive. If she is interested in applying to college, then guide her through the application process and practice interviews. If she is interested in getting a summer job, help her make a resume and search for jobs in the newspaper and on-line. Or if she is interested in the arts, take her to museums or plays. Once you start doing things together, she will most likely open up more and start making suggestions about other activities.

Q:    Your student has not been doing well academically in school, and you know she is capable of achieving more. How can you help her?

A:    Work with your student on a schedule for homework, and investigate other resources that may help. By working with your student on a schedule for homework, you have taken the first step toward involving her in the decision-making process and teaching her to take charge of a difficult situation. A homework schedule may be just the discipline she needs to boost her performance. Suggest that she talk with her teachers after class to find out how they can help, too. There also may be other tutoring programs at her school or at a community center that she could use. With this choice, she is using you as a resource to arrive at her own solutions and eventually be successful in her school work.

Q:    I suspect that my student’s friends are having a bad influence on him/her. How should I handle this?

A:    Do not judge. Talk to your student about problems, but try not to judge him/her or his/her friends. It will only create distance between you. Stay positive. Use your own  example to influence your student, but do not preach. Create opportunities. Expose your student to as many new, positive opportunities as you can.

Q:    My student is unclear about what s/he wants to do. How can I help her/him set and achieve goals?

A:    Make suggestions. Based on conversations with your student and what s/he hopes to achieve, suggest as many goals as you can, including academic, job skills, life skills. Make a plan. Help organize his/her efforts into realistic steps. Let him/her choose. Let him/her make his/her own decision, and then support it.

Q:    My student just failed two courses. How can I help him/her improve his/her grades?

A:    Get to know his/her teachers. Introduce yourself to them and ask how you can lend a hand. Design a homework schedule. Help your student organize his/her assignments and complete them on time. Spend part of your meeting time working on his/her homework and congratulate him/her on small accomplishments. Make learning fun. Engage your student in researching and learning about topics s/he’s interested in, whether or not they’re part of school work, so that s/he enjoys the learning process.

Q:    My student has accomplished some of his/her goals. What are some good ways to recognize his/her achievements?

A:    Write them down. Suggest to your student that you keep an “achievement journal” together. Writing the achievement down is a concrete way to draw attention to them and show your student you recognize his/her effort. Identify his/her talents. Talk to him/her about his/her strengths and talents. Ask him/her how s/he used them to achieve goals, and tell him/her how proud you are. Explore the future. Talk to your student about where his/her talents could lead her if s/he persists in his/her effort, such as possible job opportunities.

Setting Boundaries with Your Student

Q:    My student has asked me some uncomfortable questions about my personal life. How can I set limits with him/her?

A:    Be clear. Be up front about your limits and communicate them to your student early on. Explain yourself. Let your student know why you have chosen certain limits. Stick to them. Be consistent and firm, but not overbearing, in enforcing your limits.

Q:    Your student is a high school senior, and he has no plans beyond high school graduation. At one of your meetings, you suggest a few productive activities, such as applying to college, but he says he is not really interested in that. He does not seem to have the desire to change his situation. So you:

A:    Try to discover what he is interested in, design activities accordingly, and expose him to a variety of options that are comfortable to him. The next step is to use your experience to show him new, different possibilities he had not considered before. Your student may not be interested in college because he never pictured himself there. Try to present alternate possibilities in a way that he can relate to. For example, visit a college Web site and take a virtual campus tour, or read stories about college written from a student's perspective. Or visit the campus in person together and talk to students there. Despite what you think is best, let him decide on his own terms. If he does not want to pursue college, do not pressure him. Rather, help him access enough information about his options to be aware of everything he can do, and continue to support him even if his choice does not match yours.

Q:    Your student has called after 11 p.m. on some evenings. How can you handle this situation?

A:    Discuss with your student appropriate and inappropriate times to call. You have set boundaries in a respectful, clear way. It is important to have specific parameters to your relationship, so it can continuously strengthen and grow.

Q:    Your student is consistently late or is not coming at all to your meetings. When you mention it to her, she says, "I did not know that I was supposed to be there." So you:

A:    Explain why you are upset with her, and work on activities to improve her organizational skills. Explain your feelings to your student and do not assume that she was knowingly being rude. More often than not, your student may not realize that she has done something wrong. She may not be used to scheduling and keeping appointments, and she truly may not understand the problem with showing up late. You recognized this and acted appropriately, and at the same time you kept control of the relationship by enforcing your limits. Your next step is to design activities that will help your student with her organizational skills, such as creating a homework schedule. This will engage her in correcting the problem and give her valuable information. Most of all, the next time your student arrives on time, congratulate her for being so prompt.

Q:    You have placed three calls to set up your next meeting with your student and left a message every time, but have not received a return call. Finally, after three days of phoning, you reach him and ask why he hasn't called back. "I do not know," he says. So you:

A:    Explore the reasons that your student is not calling you back, and explain that you will need his help in making the relationship successful. The crucial next step is engaging him in making the relationship work. Remember, you must provide the necessary structure to keep the relationship controlled and directed while letting it be youth-driven as well. Help him figure out ways to correct the situation, and then help him execute the plan. You might also suggest alternate ways to keep in touch, such as e-mail, or set phone appointments in advance. If you feel that he is having problems organizing his time, help him get a weekly planner. Show him how to organize his commitments, book appointments and follow-through. You may try role-plays to build his interpersonal skills, or help him make a weekly planner or balance a virtual checkbook to build his organizational skills. Always remain supportive and use your own example as a model.

Q:    You have been a mentor for a few months, and you have been consistent and dedicated. You know that mentoring is important and that it works, but you are starting to feel discouraged because you do not know if you are making any difference in his life. One day you decide to ask him what he is getting out of the relationship. "I do not know," he says. So you:

A:    Keep the relationship going, and accept the idea that he may not be aware of how he is benefiting. Recognize that your student may have trouble expressing his feelings, and most important of all, do not get discouraged. For example, Megan, a mentor in the Everybody Wins! program, was paired with an extremely unresponsive young girl. One day Megan asked, "You do not like me very much, do you?" "No," said her student. But Megan persevered, and eventually experienced a breakthrough. The next step is to be consistent with your approach. If you feel like you need extra support from time to time, you can reach out to other sources of support, such as your student's parents, his teachers and other mentors. Try telling your student what you, as a mentor, are getting out of the relationship. Remember that you are making progress whether it is apparent or not.